I love this picture! It always makes me smile! It brings out what I always want to be. I always want to laugh....not the chuckle put your hand over your mouth but the belly laugh...the embarassing laugh that everyone turns around and looks at you like "what is sooo funny?"
I think that is why I enjoy being Miss Dot. I need to laugh....I need to laugh a lot.
Last night my husband turned to me and said "you know that your my best friend?" I just stood there and made a joke....to be serious would be to be vulnerable and I just didn't want to get all emotional. I do that...change the subject, make a joke when he decides to be emotional about things. I don't mean to be its just......well if you want to make me really mad then you will do the unthinkable......you will make me cry! I can't stand that!!!!
Mark and I will be married for seven years on August 23rd. It has been difficult and both of us have wanted to throw in the towel (after all we have known failure, what's another failure) For those who can't know or understand second marriages are plain HARD!!! I had the junk of dealing with Ron, Mark had his "stuff" to deal with. We had his two daughters and my son to join together and it was just plain hard. Now, when we eat out together or are together people would never know the journey that all of us have been through. The girls no longer correct people when they call me their Mom and life seems to be cruising along just fine (most of the time).
Trials change you and the one that my husband and I went through a month ago definitely changed us but for the better. Fear can be a good thing and a bad thing. When the doctors told my husband he had a very large pelvic mass FEAR is definitely what struck me. Tears started flowing down my cheeks....DEATH was what I kept thinking. It paralyzed me, it ate at me I couldn't function. I couldn't look at Mark. I kept saying "Lord, please not again, I can't bear it again! Trey will not be able to suffer through another father going home to you Lord I can't do it! Please NOOOOOO!" Surgery was scheduled and there I was with my husband in a hospital.....I hate hospitals....the sounds, the smells....it was all coming back but God in his loving kindness sent his love through friends and loved ones. They were there before the surgery, after the surgery...I rarely had time to relive my previous nightmare because they were there keeping us focused on what is and what is to be.
As many of you that have been in hospitals with your loved ones and stayed the days and nights with them you get into your routine and help them with drinking, bathing, going to the facilities...all of it. You either complain to yourself or embrace it thinking if this were me how would I want him to treat me and that is how I dealt with my husband as he went through his trial. Our pastor's wife told me that we would be close after this and I didn't believe her. Inside I thought...."I just might kill him (you know men can sometimes be a little whiny)" he wasn't and he did very well. Getting up in the middle of the night to give him meds, helping him and taking care of four kids one which is only three and VERY busy...I drank LOTS of caffeine and prayed for strength.
As I thought about the words "best friend" last night after he said that to me I thought "wow, we are finally there!" You see not to many husbands will walk with you to the grave of your first love and understands that you need to be there on certain days of the year. Not to many husbands forgive you when you call them another name or buy them a movie that is their "favorite" that was anothers favorite (that was embarassing!) not to many men will hold your hand as you go by a car accident and the tears flow and he needs no explanation....not to many men will allow me to "grieve" and help their son "grieve" through the loss of someone he barely remembers......but my man will and my man does and boy how many people have a "best friend" like that?
I thank God for the journey he has placed me on. I thank God for the church, the friends, the blessings he has given me. I even thank him for the small town that he put me in (what a blessing small towns can be)
So many times in the past I have wondered....what if? What if I had changed the course of my life at college? I don't think I would be the person I am today, I don't think that I would be nearly as satisfied, nearly as empathetic as I am today and what then?
I hate to cry and I hate death and I have set through too many funerals and bawled my eyes out at the deaths of dear children of my friends, dear children of my family. I HATE death but I know that its not the end......it NOT the last time we will see them.