As I finally sit down to write this several things come to mind: first of all, who has time to read this and will anyone really care?? My insecurity is mounting and I'm terrified to posts this but something spurs me on.
Some of you may know that tragedy found its way into my life almost eight years ago. As I sit here and write that I can't believe that it has been that long and I also can't believe the person that I have changed in today. I'm not perfect I assure you but I think I like the person that I am today much more so than I did eight years ago.
August 5th...oh how I hate that day. I truly wish I could erase it off the calendar. I try to do something very busy on that day. I feel that I shall never again feel the same about that day. You see that is the day that my life changed forever.
I was always one of those girls that didn't have huge plans for life. I wanted to get married, have kids and figured that that would all just fall into place but...it didn't.
Without reliving this horrible nightmare in to much detail because I think in the details we seem to get lost and we seem to want to stay there and "waller" in it so to speak. I will only tell you that on August 5th, 2002 I lost my first husband, my first love, my first everything.
Our life started out as most loves do. We met in college, had the same interests, wanted the same things out of life. Could talk about anything together and enjoyed each others company. He wanted to be a youth pastor and we both wanted kids. WE fell deeply and madly in love and were married July 18, 1997 and life went on as normal as most people our age that married young did. We bought a house a year later and found out we were expecting our first child in Novemeber of 99. I had everything that I wanted......then the bottom fell out......then life as I knew it fell apart.
My beloved love of my life fell out of love with me. He wanted nothing to do with me and I was beside myself. As christian young people I had no idea what to do with that. I had no concievable notion how this could be??? I prayed, I begged, I searched for reasons and found none. Looking back I see the signs, looking back I know where I failed and looking back I wonder if I had been different, if we would have been different would the ending have been different.
Legalism......its a difficult word to swallow.....it's easy to fall under the lie of it. GRACE......that word seems to be easy to say but so hard to really accept. I wonder if my love, my first love really understood grace.
For reasons I will never understand this side of heaven God took my love his name was Ron in a car accident on August 5th, 2002. I was there when he died, I held his hand and cried. He waited for me and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he waited for me and when he knew I was there he knew it was o.k. to go to heaven and that's exactly what he did.
The years that have followed that horrible day I have tried to protect my son and found that I cannot. I have found that I belong to no club......the widows didn't want me and the divorced didn't want me either. There is no club for the women who were separated from their husbands and then they passed away. When he died he left more questions than answers. Why did God take him when he was coming back to church and wanted to get things right with me? Was I so bad that I didn't deserve to have a husband to love me? What was I to do with my son? So many questions and so alone was I but this forced me to rely on the one and only that I could ever rely on. My God is bigger than my hurt, my God knew my rejection, he knew the ugly things that people said about me, He understood my hurt and my pain and He and He alone could heal.
I remarried a year later....probably too soon but looking back if I would have thought about it long I probably would never have done it. My husband Mark has known pain, he has known rejection, he has had loss. After almost seven years of marriage we have gone through more than most couple dream of going through and have come out on top.
A month ago I once again thought that perhaps God was taking away my second husband...that I wasn't good enough to have someone that loved me. There was a large mass the doctors said it looked fine but my heart said differently. He is recovering and there was no cancer and prayers were answered and friends and family went above and beyond the call of duty but I ask you if God had taken him would that have meant that God didn't love me or love my husband or that He was punishing us......the answer is no. For whatever reason He allows things to happen in our lives that we don't understand and that reason is to change us. I wanted to know why my "refiners fire" had to be so severe and the only thing I can think of is He has much for me to do!