Saturday, August 21, 2010
Can you say I'm forgiven?
Sometimes I look at my life and laugh at how bizarre it is. I wonder what in the world was God thinking when He put me on my journey? How is it possible that this is where I would end up?
This week I've gone through a whole entire world of emotions. I watched my son kneel at his father's grave...now as a young preteen. He has been there many times before as a toddler but watching him sit there and wipe off the grass.....made me think many things. I first was mad that we were there...why did we have to walk this road? Then I was thankful for who we have become, for who God has allowed in our lives to restore us. Of course I know that only God can forgive and restore......so many hurts, so many times I have wanted to grab the microphone and yell "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!" and trust me it would be a VERY interesting story but this week as I begged and I cried and my brain felt like I would go insane. I truly felt I was losing my mind I cried in my sleep to God asking for His comfort, His guidance, His help. Asking Him to show me the way....to show me if I was wrong, to show me what to do, to help me.......
I have asked human hearts for forgiveness and they haven't done it. I have confessed wrongs and it wasn't enough for them. I have begged, cried, and laid it all out, prayed for God to intercede and still NOTHING......I was ashamed thinking that God didn't love me that I didn't pray hard enough that there was something I was missing. How would it be possible that someone could be upset that I was still living? What could I do that would change their minds? It was with God's arms around me and with those who loved me most encouraging me and loving me that I finally understood......it's not my battle anymore......I have done all that I can do. I have said all that I could say with human emotion and tears and begging and I was waiting for the words..."You are forgiven, you are set free" but those words will never come from these human hearts and there is nothing I can ever do ENOUGH to change that.
I have once and for all put it at the foot of the cross. Sometimes in life there are things that happen that are NOT ALL your fault. We all make mistakes, we all fall....but that isn't the end...that is normally where the REAL healing begins. I have for so long had this thought of how wonderful it would be to be SET free from this bondage......this week I realized it will never come from those human hearts...it will only EVER come from a mighty God who FORGIVES and RESTORES and for me that is ENOUGH.
I am a different woman than I was eight years ago....I can only say I'm sorry for the wrongs that I have done in that time but I will not stay there and live in that bondage anymore....I will NOT linger in the fear of God's wrath on me...I will accept that NOT everyone in my life LIKES me...I will even accept that they don't like that I'm alive...but my HEAVENLY FATHER does (and so does my earthly one as a matter of fact) and that is all I need to know.
I will live my life walking in the path of Christ (not perfectly for I am not perfect) but no longer in bondage, no longer feeling guilty for being happy for being restored.....for being ALIVE.