About Me

My photo
Saint Joseph, MO, United States
I'm a stay at home Mom of two children and I have the unique privilege of being able to homeschool both of them. I am a stepmother to two older daughters one who is going to college. I enjoy shopping, baking, cooking, cleaning, organizing, running, clowning, making soap, playing piano and lately painting with ASCP paint! I am learning to enjoy the little things in life and make the most of it...clinging to my Savior through the tears that life brings and enjoying his GRACE He gives us every day! Thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Can you say I'm forgiven?

Sometimes I look at my life and laugh at how bizarre it is. I wonder what in the world was God thinking when He put me on my journey? How is it possible that this is where I would end up?

This week I've gone through a whole entire world of emotions. I watched my son kneel at his father's grave...now as a young preteen. He has been there many times before as a toddler but watching him sit there and wipe off the grass.....made me think many things. I first was mad that we were there...why did we have to walk this road? Then I was thankful for who we have become, for who God has allowed in our lives to restore us. Of course I know that only God can forgive and restore......so many hurts, so many times I have wanted to grab the microphone and yell "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!" and trust me it would be a VERY interesting story but this week as I begged and I cried and my brain felt like I would go insane. I truly felt I was losing my mind I cried in my sleep to God asking for His comfort, His guidance, His help. Asking Him to show me the way....to show me if I was wrong, to show me what to do, to help me.......

I have asked human hearts for forgiveness and they haven't done it. I have confessed wrongs and it wasn't enough for them. I have begged, cried, and laid it all out, prayed for God to intercede and still NOTHING......I was ashamed thinking that God didn't love me that I didn't pray hard enough that there was something I was missing. How would it be possible that someone could be upset that I was still living? What could I do that would change their minds? It was with God's arms around me and with those who loved me most encouraging me and loving me that I finally understood......it's not my battle anymore......I have done all that I can do. I have said all that I could say with human emotion and tears and begging and I was waiting for the words..."You are forgiven, you are set free" but those words will never come from these human hearts and there is nothing I can ever do ENOUGH to change that.

I have once and for all put it at the foot of the cross. Sometimes in life there are things that happen that are NOT ALL your fault. We all make mistakes, we all fall....but that isn't the end...that is normally where the REAL healing begins. I have for so long had this thought of how wonderful it would be to be SET free from this bondage......this week I realized it will never come from those human hearts...it will only EVER come from a mighty God who FORGIVES and RESTORES and for me that is ENOUGH.

I am a different woman than I was eight years ago....I can only say I'm sorry for the wrongs that I have done in that time but I will not stay there and live in that bondage anymore....I will NOT linger in the fear of God's wrath on me...I will accept that NOT everyone in my life LIKES me...I will even accept that they don't like that I'm alive...but my HEAVENLY FATHER does (and so does my earthly one as a matter of fact) and that is all I need to know.

I will live my life walking in the path of Christ (not perfectly for I am not perfect) but no longer in bondage, no longer feeling guilty for being happy for being restored.....for being ALIVE.


  1. We all fall short. God know us better than any person. Nothing is hidden from God. Yet, he loves us, he shows great mercy. His grace is unmeasureable. We trample on His love and he extends it anew. What an example of forgiveness.
    "All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them." 2Cor 5:18

    Jme, I have enjoyed reading your posts. Losing a spouse is something that I cannot relate to, although I have lost loved ones in life. If you only knew how many people truly care for you and pray for God to shower you with His love. You and I share a unique hole in our hearts, but the hole takes on different shapes for each of us due to a different kind of relationships. I'm not sure that either of us can quite understand each other even though we have lost the same person. Please know that nothing is held against you. We all make mistakes and have a wishlist of things we would do differently if given the chance. But God is faithfull, still.

    Each chapter in life is an opportunity for us to know God more. Keep up the good writing.


  2. Jamie,
    I know how difficult it must be to lose someone who was so close to you at one time. You are an amazing person who I am so proud to call my friend. Yes, every chapter in life is an opportunity but it's always difficult to overcome the obstacles God faces us with. However, it makes it even more difficult when people in our lives don't give you the needed support, encouragement, understanding, and love to help you get through such a huge change and sadness that you were facing. I am so proud of how you have overcome all of your dilemmas with or without the support of the people here on earth. Luckily for you...God is on your side and he wants you to lean on him. You have gotten to that place where you see that he's on your side, he's who is important in our lives...and for now that's enough. Once again...I am so proud of all the realizations that you have recently made and always know that I am continually here to support you, listen to you, and love you!!!

  3. Aaron, forgiveness is an action it requires more than words.

  4. Access is necessary for action. When there is no response to communication ( one example - email dated 2/19/2008) and you make it clear that you do not want me to have a relationship with your son, then what exactly do you want me to do? I'm not going to just show up at your house. I've been waiting on you for years to even speak. My "lack of support, encouragement, and understanding" as your friend puts it has been YOUR choice. If you want action, then call my cell (239) 225- 8145. I've been ready. I do not live in the past.