I didn't always think that I was someone who was easily scared. I don't like scary stories or movies. For the most part I felt that I lived life to the best of my ability. Tried to do what was right and encourage others but surely I wasn't really controlled by fear?
However, life changes you and wow did it ever change me!
Some people are scared of spiders ( I was the girl that always killed them while my friends stood on chairs screaming at camp!) However, put a snake or a mouse in the room and I'm totally on top of the table screaming at the top of my lungs also (my husband will tell you that). Like many of you my parents would say "oh, your way scarier to that little bitty mouse than they are to us!" "Oh really", I always wanted to say" but what if it ran up your leg or what if it"...you get the picture.
I have recently blamed my ongoing fear with things that have happened in my life on that one moment that occurred eight years but I believe before tragedy found me I was still very much that way. I would become so overcome with it that when I would hear sirens and someone was supposed to be home I would immediately think the worst! My mind would go to horrible places and I would be planning what I would say, what would happen. I would start crying about something that hadn't even happened creating this whole horrible scene in my mind about an event that ceased to exist. THEN, I would race to my phone to call whoever it was that wasn't home yet and make sure that they would be fine. I have even very recently when letting my daughter go to my parent's house called them very late to make sure that they had locked their doors since Ellianna had learned how to open doors and my fear was that she would try to get into the pool. In saying that now my mind is struggling not to go there again! What in the world would make me continually think the worst is about to happen?
WE live in the city and our home is a hundred years old. I love old homes. I love the squeaky floors, the leaded glass, the three floors, the high ceilings, the amazing light fixtures, the horrible windows, the dark basement where I do laundry, the amazing front porch. I LOVE it all. I love the character of the pillars throughout my house. I don't even mind how close my neighbors are. To me my house is ideal, I love it! Our neighborhood is fairly quiet we live on a busy street but not to insane, we have one interesting neighbor but other than that everyone keeps to themselves and we all seem to get along fairly well. About a month ago my neighbor found a very disturbing scene in our alley and since that day I have had this huge fear. When the detective came around that day to speak with all of us I was practically interrogating him wanting to know if there was cause for concern in our neighborhood. Was a gang moving in, was this caused by drugs, why did it happen in our neighborhood, should I never allow my children to go outside, should I build a huge fence around my home with barbed wire? I know your laughing but I really did ask those questions (ok not the one about the barbed wire) We don't have a security system but now I wanted one, now I had to have one and I have talked to my husband frequently about NOW getting one. I lay awake now listening for a squeak, a bark from our dog ANYTHING! I can't sleep for a long time making sure we are all safe before I go off to bed. It's ridiculous isn't it?
I constantly have to remind myself and speak it out loud "God has not given us a spirit of fear" I have to say it constantly, I have to tell myself that God wants the absolute best for me. He watches over my family, He protects me and my family and NOTHING slips through His hands absolutely NOTHING that He is surprised by. AT times this concept doesn't get through to me. I at times think of God and think of Him as punishing me. Waiting up in heaven to really let me have it again after I've done something bad. I have had to totally take a completely different look at God and how He views me as His child.
I think its amazing that we as christians can accept that our Savior will forgive us of all our horrible deeds and give us an amazing place in heaven when we die but as we live on this earth we cannot live in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and how much that He truly loves us. I find it amazing that I can comprehend that He died on the cross for my sins but cannot even begin to understand that He knows the plans for my life and wants the absolute best for me and that when trials come I'm not being punished for being bad but because there is a lesson for me to learn. The hard part in that is being willing to learn. I sometimes want to say "Thanks God, I'm good for now no more lessons need to be learned here!"
I pray that I will soon be able to learn to really understand that. I can't even imagine the freedom that I would feel. To do things that He has asked me to without fear! To not care if people raised their eyebrow because I have a red nose on and absolutely loved being with little kids and telling them about Jesus. To allow my children to follow Him where they feel led even if its far away from me? To not think the worst when I hear a siren? To not become completely depressed after watching the news? To really allow God to have first place in my life to give Him the controls and NOT take them back? Is that even possible? I pray that I will learn to live in the knowledge that God is and God will forever be and His will for me is NOT always pain and trials and my life should not always be led by FEAR! Oh that is my prayer oh I hope I learn it this side of heaven!
I want to be the kind of wife, mother, step-mother, friend, clown, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin that always points people to Christ no matter what the struggle. Instead of yelling at God when things go wrong and asking Him why I want to say "what do you want to teach me?" In writing those words I'm scared now of the consequences! Crazy as I write that that I'm already in fear of the unknown. Already struggling with giving God the controls. Truly hoping and praying that someday I will "get it". Until then, I remain ever changed by His love and GRACE and praying that I will release the controls and get out of the pilot seat and allow Him to lead always! May His name be praised!