Sunday, September 19, 2010
Filling the ?
Many of you know that for a very long time I have desired another child. It has been so painfully obvious the hole that stretches across from Trey to Ellie. Every time I look at my children I'm so thankful for them but wish there was something to fill the very evident blank space in between them.
Lately, I've become very convicted of why I might really want this "hole" filled. The idea that this might possibly be true cuts me to the core. I breathe sharply every time i think of it. I keep telling myself this is surely not true but I feel I must confess it, must pour out my soul, must search His word to be sure. Sometimes I feel that no matter how true I think I'm being that maybe some part of my heart still wants to try to deceive God no matter how impossible I know that is.
We were to start our ten week classes this past Thursday but as we have told our social worker a million times before Thursday is the absolute worst day for us to do it and right now I'm not sure what night would even be possible for us to attend anything in anyway. At first I was so sad, so mad, so distraught! How can this be that God would give me this desire so badly if He didn't want it to happen? How could I have dreams of this little boy, long for him, pray for him if there wasn't a little boy that he wanted me to have? My husband does not feel the call right now...he doesn't feel strongly either way which to me is even more frustrating. I keep wanting to yell at him and say "Your just distracted! Your not listening to God because He has told me that we should!!!" In writing that I realize how that may sound but please understand that my intentions have only been pure.
Lately though God has been whispering in my ear something I really don't care to hear "Are you sure its what I want? Are you sure your not trying to FIX something?" Honestly I will tell you I had never been that honest with myself before. That thought had never crossed my mind! When I saw the blank between Trey and Ellie I saw many things: pain from Ron's death, pain, pain, pain, pain! I think that perhaps that blaring question mark, that empty space was a marker to me forever of what was going on in my life and for me filling that was about "perfection" Trying to fix something that wasn't perfect. Trying to fix something that has made me who I am. That has made me be able to minister to women that have buried their husbands like no one else can! I've stood there thinking "What am I going to do NOW?" as I've stared at a casket! To fill this question mark would be to say that that part of my life never happened and that I was just like every other young woman who had their kids 3, 4, or 5 years apart from each other....but you know what???
I'm NOT every other woman! I'm me, I'm weird...I'm a lot of other things but I can't erase, I can't fill, I can't make it go away and become this perfect person that God didn't mean for me to be! I am a woman with scars that has found my way with the help of Godly women, prayer, hard work, and yes....my ALMIGHTY GOD!!!
So, I'm not giving up on filling the question mark. I'm praying for the desire to be taken away or filled somehow, someway...for this one! Waiting and watching to see how God can fill this desire or take it away is what I must do....finding contentment in what is and not trying to make my life perfect is what God requires. So for now, I'm waiting....and that's something I'm HORRIBLE at!!!!