Saturday, September 11, 2010
I've Been There
Motherhood....such an absolute amazing thing and scary at the same time. I remember how I felt the first time I found out I was going to be a mother and the strange way I felt after I gave birth. Some mothers immediately reach for their babies and with crying and kissing they accept their newborns and start breastfeeding immediately. I on the other hand.....well I had been in labor for about 29 hours and my son was born weighing 9 lbs and 2 1/2 oz. The only thing I wanted was relief from pain and that Sprite that the nurse held in her hand trying to coax me to push my baby out. Isn't that pathetic? I was so exhausted and so completely out of it that in my small brain I thought that there was no way that I was really going to ever push this baby out that everyone was lying to me that there was no way he was really EVER going to come out! He did and he was perfect and after I had my Sprite (don't ever tell him that) my "motherly" insticts finally kicked in and have been in gear ever since!
I have been through many phases of Mom. I've been the happily married Mom with baby working part time oh the bliss that it was! I have been the single Mom that had to move in with my sister and her family and then back with her parents. Working full time, having to go on WIC to feed my child handing those checks to the cashier made me feel as small as one can possibly get. It was official, I felt that I was on the bottom bracket of society. I worked at a bank and did o.k. when my income was combined with my husbands but alone...well...I used to make forty bucks last a week and somehow...don't know how, it did. Then I became the widow and had no idea what t to do with a boy. I was always the cheerleader type and a OCD neat freak. My son would scream when giving him a bubblebath because he was all "messy with bubbles". Yes, I'm sure that's my fault too and don't even ask me about the time my Dad took him to dig out potatoes! There is a reason people why boys should have their DAD's o.k.!!!!
Now I'm a stay at home Mom who does the unthinkable....I HOMESCHOOL! Have you ever said that you would never ever do something and then in some way, you almost think it a cruel way God has a way of making you eat your words? It seems He makes you do the things you said you would never do. It only works if its true by the way! I've tried to say "Oh Lord, whatever you do please don't make me be as thin as I was before I had kids or let me drive a Mercedes! I would hate to do that Lord!" It doesn't work unless you really don't want to do it! Well, that's what happened to me! I not only homeschool I drive a minivan! Those are two things that I said I would NEVER do!!!
I would first like to say that there are people like my sister Ronda who are perfect for homeschooling. She's the kind of person that if would have been allowed to go to college would have been the elementary education major that everyone would have loved to hate. I could see her now with her perfectly organized filed and gorgeous bulletin boards with students piling out of her class proclaiming her brilliance and how that they could not wait until the next day to be under her teaching again. If you know my sister you know this is true. She makes you interested in whatever it is you are learning about...try as you might you get sucked into her love of learning even though you might be screaming NOOOOO...I really don't care...you will she's just that good!
Unfortunately, my parents decided to spend the money to send me to college and the business major that I held onto was not probably the prize that they had hoped for...sorry...what can I say? So, this whole idea of homeschooling and love of learning was not something that I was a "natural" at. Go ahead ask my college roommates they will tell you books were not my thing. I studied and worked hard but it didn't come easy. I had to re-teach myself how to learn, my brain didn't work like others did so this whole homeschooling idea was a "NO GO" thank you very much, when others would ask me about it
However, God had a way of pointing me in a direction that has led me to where I am today. Lest you think that I'm telling all people that they should homeschool understand that that is NOT what I'm saying. I'm simply stating why I homeschool and that is because I believe without a doubt that that is what God has told ME to do. Not preaching at anyone, not trying to make anyone feel guilty for their decisions this is simply MY belief for MY family. Also, lest you think I'm against teachers please know that I have several friends who teach and each and everyone of them is spectacular! This is just my choice for my family.
My son Trey started experiencing some difficulties in his last year at a private school that we sent him to. When it comes to my son I'm very sensitive. I'm always worrying about how he feels about the death of his father, how this has affected him if it has affected him...I've always just been very scared. My main concern is for his heart to be tender toward the things of God and I was becoming scared that he was no longer sensitive to that. His whole entire personality was changing. He no longer cared for school and he disliked subjects that previously were his favorites. So, when behavioral issues arose and I was spending so much time helping him with his homework at night I decided through much prayer and much argument with God that this was the way for me to go.
I can tell you that a year later we have found our groove and that now I'm very fulfilled in my new role. I actually can't wait to buy new curriculum for the following year and squeal with delight when new books come and then think to myself "Who ARE YOU???" I find no greater joy than being able to help mold my son and daughter's character to help them learn, to have them with me always...yes I said always! At the store not long ago my children where not getting along very well and the cashier said "aren't you so glad when spring break is over?" Can you imagine what she would have done if she would have known I voluntarily keep them all the time? She might have had me committed! Lest you think I have it all together and my children never get on my nerves please don't misunderstsand! Homeschooling is very difficult. You have to completely reorganize your life. You have to be very strict with your schedule and conflicts that may arise during the course of your day but you also have to be flexible because otherwise you will go insane. You have to roll with the punches while at the same time keeping everyone and everything on track.
Today while at the soccer game and apple orchard I took lots of pictures and couldn't believe the difference in height since last year but I also couldn't get over the huge gaping hole that i see every time I take a picture of my two kids. To me there is a huge question mark sitting in between them. I keep asking for the Lord to feel this ache of mine....this past summer when we sat down with the social worker she told us that there is a real possibility that we would get at least two and would that be possible? Now, as i think of that my mind goes into a million different directions? How could I possibly keep my house in the OCD condition that I require at least some of the week? How could I possibly handle that many kids and homeschool them properly? How could I give that much love to that many kids? I know, those of you who have that many are laughing at me but to me the idea seems so overwhelming but my heart aches for that question mark for just one more maybe two...that ache that only motherhood can fill....that hurt that only mothers understand. Until that day my question mark is filled I will keep doing what God has required of me and pray that I will be the kind of Mother and teacher that God wants me to be. Always looking to Him for the example that I should set for my children and grateful for the opportunity that I have to be able to stay home with them. Thanking God every day for the little things and not being upset about the things...like checklists that aren't completely crossed off every single number!