Thursday, September 2, 2010
Making Chicken Soup
This week has been a whirlwind for me. We have dealt with sickness and sleepless nights. Days with nebulizer treatments and the coughing and sneezing and fun that comes with ragweed days. It occurred to me the other day that I will miss these days and it will be soon.
My sister Ronda sent her oldest son off to military boot camp and it was a terrible experience for her. She would call me crying so hard I thought for sure that Landon had been killed but her "Momma's heart" was hurting and she was suffering from a wound of her baby boy being taken away that only a Momma that is going through the same thing can understand. I have several friends going through that right now and I know my day is coming...
As I stood in my kitchen and my ten year old son was complaining because I was making him help me make banana bread (I knew he would enjoy it once he got going) and my little Ellianna saying "I wanna help me stir, get hands off Mommy me do!" I thought of my friends who had done the same thing with their little ones once and knew that I was taking a "memory picture". Right then and right there I was content. I had my two children that I had always wanted and my "Momma heart" was happy.
Tonight as I watched my son play soccer (he has begged us for years) and after four years of basketball we decided to let him go for it. I found myself looking past him thinking that tall boy couldn't possibly be mine where was my little boy? The way he ran I remember seeing another young man during his college days run with his soccer ball just like that and wondering if he could see Trey? Then I heard my Ellie say "daddy's here Mommy!" and there my husband was coming to watch his son Trey play soccer for the first time and I thought how quickly time passes. Soon, much too soon this day will only be a memory so I decided to once again take a "memory picture".
I also thought about the "missing child" that I have and wondered what he was doing today and as the MBCH worker called today to tell me what day the ten week classes were I wondered how I would ever be able to work all that out to get to my "missing child". How could I want to adopt so badly if God couldn't work that all out. I also thought of my dear friends trying to have another child and ones that have cried over that just like I did when I was trying to have my Ellie and the prayers that He answered for me and what does it mean when He doesn't answer for them? What does it mean when He doesn't "fill that hole of their missing child?"
I don't know what God has in store for all of us who are "Momma's" Why He allows some of our children to be taken to heaven, why some of us who desperately want to become a Momma can't and why others that don't do.
It's very difficult to be a Mother. I'm constantly worrying and praying and trying and hoping that my children walk with God always. That they let Him guide them always that He keeps them safe ALWAYS but I can't worry, I can't fret because God loves them even more than my human heart can so I guess I'll enjoy them being little as long as I can and take my "memory pictures" often and for now just keep making my homemade chicken soup with my little ones helping beside me!