Today was a typical crazy Wednesday. Nothing to write about here except the craziness that comes from life with soccer, ballet, home school, and teaching three piano. Add to that a dash of things coming up that can't be avoided and we have "craziness". There is absolutely NOTHING that went horribly wrong today, nothing was broken, no one in my immediate family is sick and we all slept through the night last night. I truly have NOTHING to complain about....but I'm sure I'll find someting.
Today at ballet I encountered the same thing I have dealt with since having another child. I looked at all the ladies there and they have 2.5 children exactly 2.5 years apart from each other and inside I'm grumbling "oh how happy for you! How nice to have all your ducks in a row!" So, as we are standing there watching our "darlings" dance and praying our child doesn't do something ridiculous (which so far that hasn't happened) the question that I hate comes up! "Sooooo, is that your son over there?" I'm thinking this will be a hit on home schooling...NOPE! (awwww relief!) He was doing his work and NOT playing with a Nintendo DS I might add. So, there I was with the awkward silence and then....."how far apart are your children?" Oh goody, this is my favorite question of all time. Should I go for the "my husband died story, or the part where I couldn't get pregnant part. Seems unfair to give them both at the same time I hardly know them." (thoughts to myself) So I go for the we tried three years to have Ellianna.....then the..."Oh, I'm so sorry.....they really aren't that far apart! My sister is blah blah blah"
Now, in case you think that I'm being hard on these women please forgive me. They had no idea and still have no idea how hard it is for me. What I really wanted to say was: "Yes, when my son was two and a half I was burying my husband when most people were planning their second child.....I was just trying to survive.....then I got remarried and wanted another child but......I couldn't do that either" and every time someone asks me about it I want to scream....."I KNOW, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WOULD LIKE THAT FILLED."
It reminded me of so many christian songs I hear and one of my favorites by a group called Point of Grace...."heal the wound but leave the scar, a reminder of how wonderful you are...I am weak and torn apart....heal the wound but leave the scar." There is obviously way more to that song than I just wrote but I know that God knows my hurt.
It also makes me realize to watch my tongue and be sensitive to others. I know some that have children with birth defects, I know people that can't have children, or can't seem to get pregnant. Some have never married, some have illnesses where they can't function as they once did. The point is, we all have scars, we all have things we wish we could change and for whatever reason they are meant for good. May I always be quick to remember that...but I'm not...I forget all the GOOD He has done for me. The blonde hair, curly hair, blue eyed precious daughter I prayed for for three years is asleep and healthy in her bedroom and her blonde hair, blue eyed brother who drives me crazy in the room right next door. How many people in this world wish they had that??? I would say quite a few...May God's name ALWAYS be praised!