When I first started blogging it was with reluctance and quite frankly fear. I didn't really want to do it and then I just kept feeling the push that I "should". So, I did and all of you have been so very kind with the words that you have written to me. So much so that I begin to become very fearful in what my real motivation was each time that I wrote something. I was afraid that each time I would put a new post in and no one would write something..."Oh no, I've hurt someones feelings, or that was stupid I shouldn't have written that at all." So many mornings I would wake up getting ready to delete it when one of you would write how much that very thing meant to you and all I could say was "thank you Lord, so much for that." However, I don't want to become prideful and have my spirit be that of pride. I hate pride but that is one of my biggest vices to overcome.
My biggest fear is that I will not be open to the Holy Spirit's calling. That I will only write what I think others want to hear not what I'm learning (which is the purpose of this blog) I am afraid that the sin of....PRIDE will come into my life.
Don't get me wrong girls....I love to hear the comments that you all make...pretty please DON'T stop but it really got me thinking about every aspect of my life. Recently I have felt convicted that I know how to play the piano and really haven't played in front of church since I was in my late teens. Lately, I have become motivated to do so and as I was practicing the song the other day "It is Well with my soul," my mind went back all the way to when I played it for the first time. I know the meaning of the song of course but do I really? I have changed quite a lot since I first played that song. I have had that song follow me through a lot of changes in life. I had that song sung at my first husbands funeral....he left this earth with lots of questions and few answers but one thing I never was unsure of is where he went when he died. I know that as I stood by his bedside that he knew I forgave him and that is all he needed to go home to heaven. As I played that song in that church I wanted everyone to know that just because you sin on this earth doesn't mean there isn't forgiveness....I wanted people to make sure that everything was right with their soul so that they didn't have to go through what we went through but at the same time let them know that Ron did leave this earth with hurt but he was still God's child. When I play that song that is where I go...I always want to make sure that my heart stays there but sometimes I fear that I'm thinking "I'm so good, listen to me play ha ha ha." Oh my goodness can you imagine? Can you even imagine how ridiculous that would be? As a young adult I would listen to the A-mens of the church after I played and if there were lots I "done good" but if not too many "oh man!"
Here I am getting ready for this fall bash at my house and I keep wondering to myself as my mind keeps creating more and more elaborate things to do and decorate and eat and driving myself crazy.....I think? What's my motivation? Do I want everyone to say "Your so amazing at decorating and cooking and blah blah blah..." Do I want my children to panic every time I have a huge gathering by saying "oh great, here we go again, Mom's going to want everything perfect and we can't touch anything and she's going to be grouchy YUCK I hate parties," or are they going to remember just that we had a party and that it was fun and they look back on them with great memories not a crazed Mom that has had to have so much caffeine during the day that she really shouldn't be driving her nerves are so frayed?
AS I thought of this I thought about the other areas of my life. I thought of this with the issue of my children when they misbehave...am I interested in their spiritual welfare or am I concerned that they have just made me "look" bad? Why do I clown, why do I do all the different things that I do? I dare say that for today my motivations seem pure but I always want to make sure that they stay that way.
I cannot go back to the sin of pride ever again...it scares me that I will...it terrifies me that I will go back. It's like an old crutch, so familiar, so easy to get caught back up in..feels right somehow. I dare say that if Jesus would walk the streets of St. Joseph would He call me a ...Pharisee?? Would I be helping the "ugly" part of society the way He would? Would I be reaching out to those who aren't "pretty" in our society. Or would I be standing there in Target with my starbucks coffee shaking my head in disapproval that they used a "bad" word and think to myself that if they would have tried harder that they could "be" better. Again, I'm not for people who say bad words in front of my kids and I'm not going to endanger my children's lives but dare I say.....there are "people" that visit our church that I think "how nice they are here.....so ANYWAY!"
So, I say all of that to say that I'm going on record as saying that I would appreciate it if you would knock me off my high horse if you see that I am on one. I am trying and praying for my motivation to be only "God approved" and just so not everyone panics a little feedback is nice for my soul but if one should see that my head is getting to big that they get a "needle" out and POP it!