I believe in timing. I believe that when God speaks to most people He speaks softly however, He usually has to shout at me! I'm normally one that sits there and says "hmm that's interesting and so is that, and wow, that could really apply to that to...." Well sister, I just have to say "OK God I hear ya, I got ya!"
It is no coincidence that three months ago I started down the road on finally closing the book to Ron's death and blaming myself for it. It is absolutely MY time to have MY meeting with God and to get it all hashed out once and for all.
I had to have the uncomfortable conversation with parties involved which then sparked another uncomfortable conversation with my young son and then....well...I had to let it go. Then I decided to take a Beth Moore study on Esther and well today I was doing Day four on week five. The Title was "No Satisfaction" It was apparent the second paragraph down what I was to get out of this. Here is the first tidbit " Make no mistake, we serve whatever masters us, and nothing masters us more completely than the person who refuses to bow to our rights, desires, or demands. We become fixated on the one from whom we cannot get what we want." For me that "want" is forgiveness. Then she went on to say "If we got what we needed or wanted from the person of our preoccupation would it fix us?" WOW! that's a very loaded question! She then had us write down what our prayer would be to the Lord if we could choose what we really wanted to happen between this person and ourselves. It all comes down to me forgiving myself for Trey's life, Ron's life and my own. "God is the only One who can tend to the secret places where pain calls to bondage." I can truly say that I have now done this. "In doing so, we find Christ as we've never known Him and there pooled in the reflection of His eyes, startle to discover that a part of ourselves resembles Him."
Please don't think that I think for a moment that Satan doesn't have my number and won't be calling me back to this again and again but as I continue to give it back to God Satan will eventually become bored and move on to something else...there's always something isn't there? What a joy to let this go and be starting on my way to freedom!