I would ask that you allow me to babble a bit. My brain and body are tired but a "happy" tired. I was blessed this weekend by many things and saddened by others. I think my brain doesn't know if it should be happy or sad and I can't sleep so I'll just babble a bit if I may.
The last four days I've been dealing with "relationships". Then today in church it was about relationships...then tonight at the Beth Moore study it was about "mean girls" so to speak but also about.....relationships.....I'm not sure if maybe God is trying to tell me something or not??? hmmmmm I think God is trying to tell me something?
This week I've been focusing on our annual fall party that we have for friends and family every year. It's a big party and I try very hard to make it fun and enjoyable for everyone that attends. This year I focused on my connection group and some close friends. I wish we could invite all our friends but my budget and my home will not allow that, plus my "perfectionist" tendencies would probably overload. During the week I have had a pretty uneventful week with the occasional bump in the road but nothing serious. All of the sudden I had an event that exploded in my face! (not literally) I didn't see it coming, took me by complete suprise and when all was said and done I was standing there shaking my head wondering what could have possibly hit me so hard (not in the literal sense of course)and why? What did I deserve to receive such a blow?
Tonight at our Beth Moore study she focused on "It's tough being a woman in a mean world." and GIRL I so NEEDED that tonight!!!! Do you ever have a week and then the word of God and Beth Moore come BAM! and your like sitting there "Preach it sister!" That was how I felt tonight. Some of my favorite key phrases that she said were " Insecurity is at the heart of every rivalry" " There is nothing meaner than a coward" and my absolute favorite one " Coming in contact with a mean girl raises your own mean girls." GIRL, I was right there this week. I was so blown away by the events that inside I was raging with the injustice of it all. I couldn't understand the outcome AT ALL!!!!
I'm going out and being all vulnerable so please tread lightly but the hardest part for me being a woman is: Friendships! There I said it! I will tell you that I have friends, I wouldn't say a ton but I definitely have quite a few. However, I'm not sure about a "best" friend? I have wonderful women that I can call about all sorts of things and they respond quickly to me. I have lots of people that I'm very close to but if I had to choose just one I'm not sure that I do. Does anyone else have that problem. The idea of going to ladies retreats intrigues me. I want to go, I would love the fellowship but what keeps me from going is.....I have no one to share a room with. The crazy part that is.....I'm sure that there are others who feel the same way I do. So, why do I make up excuses for not going to something that I know I would enjoy and why do I feel that I can't just go up to someone and say "Hey, do you have a roommate for this event? How bout me? Is it possible that I still fear rejection from others even at the age of 36? What makes us as women so insecure that we can't reach out to other women that we KNOW love us and want the best for us? I still feel that I'm not accepted I guess....I guess I'm still afraid of what others will say or do or not being liked (does that sound like I'm in fourth grade or what?)
As I continue to ponder relationships this week may I look at them the way God would have me to. May I love those that hurt me with a spirit of love towards them the way God commands me to. May I figure out what my real "rival" is when I feel that spirit of "meanness" rise up in me and may I always seeks His face to make my heart clear to me. I never want to be someone who compares myself to others but compare my heart to Christ. It's so easy to say "I'm not that bad look at so and so." I never want to become so dilluted in myself that I can't see the condition of my own heart whether it be good or bad. Lord, let it be so!