I am doing the Esther study by Beth Moore and am finding it to be so much more than I ever thought possible. This week I missed the Sunday session because I had two great little boys that I had the privilege of watching and the video was on fear and I have to say that is one of my biggest struggles.
On Day one she got right to the point. We are in chapter five of Esther and I found that on day one I was already being greatly convicted. A couple of key points that I'm taking from Beth Moore (this is not my own amazing thoughts I wish but can't take the credit) "Our distrust of God tattles on us, tell our enemy exactly how to get to us. Many of us habitually rehearse, "if___________ ever happens, then I'll just ______. Our fears become like long bony index fingers pointing at our vulnerabilities. Once Satan sees what we believe would be the end of us, he threatens and torments us with it. Our conditional trust not only makes us an open target for enemy torment; it also positions us as negotiators and beggars before God instead of secure children who trust their lives to their faithful Father." ARE YOU FEELING CONVICTED YET???
I felt the words completely jumping off the pages. I felt my heart leaping and my palms sweaty. I felt in fear just reading the very words. On the next page Beth wanted us to write a list filled with our "ifs" with several things you fear most and your "thens" with new conclusions reflecting the hope of Scripture. I must confess dear friends that I left it BLANK! I couldn't even bring myself to WRITE down the things that I fear most. Now, after doing a few days of this study I feel a bit better about going back and doing what she asked but inside its as if I'm being asked to do something that I feel will only end in peril instead of what she's wanting us to learn....she's wanting us to realize that nothing absolutely NOTHING passes through the Father's hand that He doesn't know about but inside I'm screaming "I don't care! I don't want to learn those lessons, I don't want to be stronger. I want everyone and everything that I love to sit right here beside me and just BE." I don't want change, I don't want to GROW and I certainly don't want to hurt. I don't want to hurt one more day, one more minute and I'm sick of crying by the way! I don't want to cry one MORE minute. Does anyone else ever feel this way? It makes my stomach churn at my attitude. How dare I act as if I can control anything anyway and why do I feel that God is sitting up in heaven ready to "teach me a lesson." As much as I love my children my Heavenly Father loves them more. When will I ever learn this lesson and be free of the fear that robs the joy that could be mine in walking in freedom in Christ?
Today Mark had to go to the doctor to make sure that his "tumor" had not returned. Most wives would have gone with their husbands....not me....I felt staying away from the situation would make it go away, not exist if there was anything that they found. I went and ran a million errands and tried to not think about it....waiting anxiously for the phone call about what the doctor might say. The phone call came, my heart dropped...then suprised at the delightful outcome and then.....I went on...never stopping to pray and thank God....just staying busy and saying to myself...oh I'm so glad its fine this time but when will they check again??? Worry was already gripping at my spirit when God had just delivered us from a huge trial. So quick was I to engage in the next thing to worry about that I could not even enjoy the trial that He had led us through.
It's amazing to me that I'm still learning the same lessons over and over again. How frustrating that must be to a perfect God. I'm still learning the same lessons over and over and over again. Does anyone else make this mistake?
Oh Lord, please forgive me for my foolish heart, for my attitude that something BAD will always come my way, that I'm not deserving of your blessings, for living in FEAR of the unknown. Help me to learn to trust you and to know that I am SAFE in the knowledge of just being your child. Help me to be SECURE in that and put chains the fear that Satan lays on me every day!