Children....they are such a blessing but lately I feel so overwhelmed and so tired of being overwhelmed. I think as Mom's we worry way to much on the failure of our children. Some of you I'm sure don't have this problem but I admit that I very much do.
For the past several weeks I have watched Ellianna in ballet/tap class and have become very concerned that she's not ready. I find it amazing that the very thing we criticize our children on we do from the very beginning. I was standing there comparing her to every child that was in there. I found myself apologizing out loud for when she would fall and disrupt the class. Of course everyone would laugh as she would find herself in the mirror and carry on a conversation, or twirl and twirl while singing a song loudly while the teacher was trying to conduct class. I know, I know she's only three! However, some of the other kids were only three to so why were they ready and mine was not?? I of course took the guilty road and I'm sure that many of you have gone down the very road. My Ellie needed tubes and I didn't push hard enough and finally switched pediatricians and THEN when she was two we got tubes. By then her hearing was behind and ever since then I have punished myself for it. I have spent hours talking to Ellie, helping her say words, going over and over things so much so my child was frustrated and I was to the point of crying. Why do you ask I did this? Well, I felt that if she wasn't caught up to her friends then it was MY fault. Even after she went to Children's Mercy and two specialist saw her and told me that she will catch up she understands and that's the biggest thing I still went down the road of GUILT!
So, after all that and not being ready for ballet I have taken myself down the road of GUILT again. Every day we do preschool together and every day I compare her to others and wonder if she's where she should be.
Then as I was watching my son play soccer tonight with all these other boys and became so frustrated with my son I was texting his coach to be harder on him (yes, let's keep that part to ourselves shall we) I finally GOT it! All kids are different! Yep, that's just a huge brain buster isn't it? I'm extremely slow to just now figure this out aren't I? I was watching Trey as he was playing soccer. He was running like a comedian, over exaggerating when the ball would hit him in the head and laughing when he missed? Obviously this is not how he plays a normal game or I would no longer have him play but then I noticed that there were two other boys playing exactly like him and two more boys that were totally in focus on what they were doing. Now, obviously I wish my son would have been more serious about his "job" at playing soccer but if his coach wasn't concerned and was letting the boys play then why was I in the van watching getting so worked up it was ridiculous?
Why do I as a parent get myself so worked up about ballet for a three year old that it takes me a whole week to recover from it? So ballet right now might not be her thing SO WHAT. Does that mean that I have failed as a mother? Why do I get so worked up about my kids constantly and take it so personally when they fail?
I believe in discipline and teaching our children the scriptures and how to become "nice" and responsible adults but as far as taking it so personally anymore I just can't. I pray that the Lord will make Himself real to both of them that they will learn to seek Him first in all that they do and that they will walk with Him always. I pray that they will seek to serve God above all else and that they honor his word and pray. However, I can't constantly get upset at their failures and internalize them. I must rely on the Heavenly Father to teach them His ways and keep praying for His leading on their lives.
I'm not saying I won't FREAK out when Ellianna is bad during Awana and Trey in soccer or homeschool classes. Instead, I hope to improve the problem but for the most part continally pray that God will move them always. Lord help me to cling to that!