I've been thinking about those dishes all day...silly that I would but I have. It's been almost fourteen years that I have had those dishes and today they sit in the basement and hopefully they will go away to a new home next week.
You see, those dishes belonged to Ron and I were given to me as a wedding present when life seemed blissfully perfect.
For the past three months I have really struggled. I keep trying to keep my head up but at this point I don't know where to go or what to do. The older my son becomes the more this seems to haunt me. Tonight he was greatly troubled and very upset at the injustice of treatment towards.....me. He is so upset that he doesn't really know what to do about it. It is at this time that I feel guilt, and anger at things I cannot change. I wish so many ways to change it but I cannot....I wish that it would go away...but it hasn't.....I wish that it never would have happened.....but it did.
I have talked about forgiveness and how that there are some people that walk this earth who wish that I was not the one still living....that things were different.....that I did not exist...but I do. There are those that say they love me...but their actions speak differently. There are those who say that they only want the best for me....but they only want things the way they want them.
Do you ever grow so tired of talking about something that you don't want to talk about it anymore but you keep being pulled into it again and again? You want to forgive and forget but that person or persons keeps bringing it up? How do you go from there? How do you make it finally STOP???
The more I'm at church, the more Bible studies that I go to the more I hear....I cannot engage....I cannot let my "mean girl" rise up. I have to let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go.
My God is big enough to fight for me. My God knows that I didn't do those things. My God knows that my heart is clean and my conscious is clear.
I will always miss Ron....I see glimpses of him and it breaks my heart and turns it inside out every time I see it. The turn of the head, the way he runs, the way he sits, the way he won't stop talking....the smile he gives me. I see Ron and I miss him...I miss laughing with him the way he used to but God needed him in heaven and God gave me a strong man, a wise man, a man who is very kind and has taken Trey to be his own and for that I'm grateful. I'm grateful that God looked down on me and gave me a second chance at love, at motherhood and made me whole when I was a broken shell. When I didn't think that life would ever matter again...when I didn't want to get up and LIVE anymore...when I didn't care about anything. He gave me a little boy with big blue eyes and blonde hair that made me care about myself again and for that lesson I will always be grateful.
"When its dark and its cold and I can't feel my soul you are...STILL good. When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay you are...STILL good." Oh Lord, help me to always say that! Oh Lord, help it to be so and forgive my heart as I write that partly fearing that you will take something away from me again to see if its true...help me not to view you that way...Amen