Today I had a doctors appointment for Trey and Ellianna. It was a well visit for both of them and since I am a "smart" mother I never tell my children EXACTLY what will happen at the appointment like shots etc. A good thing since Ellianna had to get two shots and Trey one. I'm sorry to say that Trey was worse than Ellianna with shots so much so I thought that I would have to hold him down. We also see a chiropracter who gives us vitamins and supplements that help with allergies etc. I always am very up front with our doctors about what we do but always laugh at the same reactions that they give me. You know what I mean....the deer in the headlights look.....at why in the world anyone would think that actually works??? Well, for my family it does! THEN the dreaded question to Trey. O.k Trey what grade? What school do you go to? He replied home schooled and the OOOHHHHHHHH that follows. I find myself always being over the top on my kids after they find out trying to make them see that we AREN'T weird we ARE normal but inside I always feel like crawling into a cave by this point. I always think to myself why in the world do I care so much? Why is it so important to have EVERYONES approval? Inside I was wondering "what do they really think?" but really does it matter? Who am I trying to impress?
Then since we were out I decided to run one more errand and of course I felt that everyone was staring at us because "why in the world wasn't Trey in SCHOOL." I found myself almost cranky with my kids I was so uncomfortable! It was ridiculous. I tell my children that we are doing nothing wrong and we have nothing to be ashamed of. In case you all are wondering there are people that home school incorrectly. They have school for two hours a day twice a week and are always at the mall. Their children wear pants up to their navel with high waters and white socks and their hair greased over. They don't allow their children to socialize with others because of the "influence" that their children will have with others. I do not choose to home school in this way. We have a set time every day for school and a schedule. I have logs and lesson plans and we are involved in outside homeschool classes as well as community sports. However, as much as I explain this I still worry about what others may think. Crazy but I do!
Last night we met for our Beth Moore Bible Study. We were discussing fear. It was amazing how that at first one lady would share...then another....then another....until finally pretty much everyone in that room had shared something very personal. Some of us put our feelings out there and I know for me that was very SCARY. I found that pretty much every single person there felt the same as I did but was almost to scared to share anything with. I so enjoyed that. Knowing that we as women can instantly bond like that when we finally get "real" with each other.
To me, the hardest thing about being a woman is letting myself be "real". Not hiding behind an exterior that makes me "look" like I have it all together. My husband says I carry myself in a very "self assured" way. It's funny I don't FEEL that way. Why do I always worry what others think? Why am I constantly seeking approval? Why do I feel the need to have everyone LIKE me and then when they don't beat myself up trying to figure out why they don't? How old will I be when I'm finally past this?
I wonder what you all struggle with and if you have broken free from it how have you done so?