Today, today I wanted to quit! I wanted to just quit being a Mom and walk away from it all. Don't ask me about having another piece of candy because its only 9:30 in the MORNING!!!!!! and what do you mean Trey you have only one subject done and its almost 10am. This was a difficult day of whining, complaining and downright rude behavior. I had to give my son severe consequences and seriously started crying because of the events of the day. My husband when he came home asked me about my day and when I started to almost cry as I spoke he KNEW that I had HAD it!!!!!
I get annoyed at life and how that no matter how hard we try we cannot escape the past. I'm having such a hard time getting my son to see that we can't live in the past, we can't think that if events in life would have been different that we would be happier. I don't know the right answer to this question but I do know that God makes no mistakes and we cannot question what He allows. I say that sounding rude and insensitive. I'm not saying we have to like it or understand it and I'm certainly not saying that I haven't been confused, angry and almost turned the other way and said I don't care about God anymore but that is a place I refuse to go to again. (I pray) Today my son looked at me and said "If Daddy wouldn't have died than things would be better." I have to say that I just looked at him and said "what would be so much better?" He didn't have the answer, you could tell that on his face he was completely confused as what the answer could be.
The problem is this.....we think if this or this would happen I would be happy. If I had this to overcome I would be happy. Happiness is found only in turning that burden that you carry and hold onto so hard to our Heavenly Father. I'm convinced that what we cling to the most is what will make us the happiest once we let go of it. Fear, perfectionism......I lay it down everyday.......and sometimes I have a day where I don't pick it back up but most days.......I do.
I can't MAKE Trey not blame God for taking his Dad who he only knew for two years and now feels cheated that he didn't get to meet and he is very angry. I also can't let bad behavior be tolerated because I feel sorry that he had to go through that. However, my job as his mother is to point him to the only one that can heal those hurts...I can't do it. I can hold him when he cries, I can explain things to him as clearly as I can and I can even buy him all the video games in the area but if he decided that happiness only will come from those things that he cannot ever have,
I am on my knees a lot lately for my children and I expect I will probably stay there for a bit. The hardest things about being a parent is teaching them and disciplining them but THEN WAITING to see if they also have a HEART for the things of God or just the head knowledge. Teaching them to be people to put others first, respecting others, being friendly, being polite, not bragging these are issues we constantly work on but there comes a time when they must make the decision with their HEART and their MIND that becoming more like Christ is where true happiness will come.
May His name be praised!