Right now I'm overwhelmed...I'm feeling....EMOTIONAL shall we say. Lately, I've been venturing into the "blogging" world. Seeing so much talent and great ideas begins to thrill me and make me so excited and I see they have this HUGE following and I feel...inferior all over again. Lately, Ellianna has been sick and staying away from children with colds has been recommended while she is on her steroid. We have one more week of this and then we can venture out to church again. Perhaps that's why I'm feeling so down. Today at Target I ran into three people that I know and I so wanted to grab all three of them and sit down and just FELLOWSHIP!
We as women need to talk to each other, be encouraged by one another, and told that we are....WORTHY!
I've been reading the book Captivating as I have spoken to you all about previously and she is talking right now about the relationship between God and yourself and how we "view" that relationship. As old as I am and as long as I have been out of the "legalistic" mindset its still so easy to go right back to that. Worrying that I'm not "worthy" enough for an Almighty God. Worried that I have not done what I need to do...but its all in vain. Right now I'm battling a severe thorn in the flesh....its not going away no matter how hard I pray it to be and all I want to do is run away from it. I want to run fast and long and far....I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it and I certainly don't want to SEEEEEEE it! However, I can't avoid it forever...I'm trying but I truly can't. Inside I'm mad and I want to sit down and pout...I know that I should pray and ask God to change my heart but the other part of me is so stubborn and I want to sit down and say "NO, You can't make me!" in my whiniest of voice and just sit there forever if need be!
Why do I continue to battle the same struggles that I have for years? Why do I feel that God is testing me constantly on so many levels on so many things all at the same STINKIN time??? Can we just try one thing at a time??? One day at a time? Or how bout one month at a time?
I don't understand God's timing and I won't ever understand it. I pray for things He answers in a way that I want to scream..." That's NOT what I meant!" He leads me to do things that I say."REALLY? this is what you have for me????" There are times that I think to myself what a sense of humor our God has for some of the things that He asks of me are so insane I think that He must be...until I see the amazing things that He does with it. Knowing the outcome is always amazing and always the BEST why do I fight it? I of course know the answer, I'm stubborn, I want things my way. When I'm away from the fellowship of my fellow church members my heart grows more weary, more negative, more consumed with the "self" attitude.
So, I will only tell you that so far in my life not ONE thing has gone the way that I would have planned it....but that's for sure the REASON why its all sooo GOOD!