New Year, new start...new ways of doing things...clean out the old, bring on the new....take out the bad...put in the good...make life simple, enjoy more with less...these are all things that I'm trying to do right now but that's just the outside of me...not the very being of me.
As any good homeschool Mom I read lots of books and I read them all at the same time...because I've got lots of hats that I wear and if I waited to start reading something new only when I finished the previous one...I would never get anything done.
My spiritual life like many of you seems to be going quite well and THEN BAM BAM BAM....something keeps hitting you, or lots of things keep hitting you all at the same time! It's so very frustrating.
However, my husband read a book called "Wild at Heart" about three years ago. The book is written by a man named John Eldredge. The book helped him with many things...dealing with his childhood and the kind of man that that has "made" him to be. It has helped him to be able to walk along the path of healing.
Its very easy to walk through life and say "I'm strong, I don't need to "deal" with these things that life has taken me through. It's very easy to eat, clean obsessively, exercise constantly, perfect ourselves in every way possible to "try" to become "worthy". I have done and still do all of those things in order to "push down and push away" the hurt that rears its ugly head. I keep thinking.."Why do I as a woman wish to walk in front of crowds of people dragging my "bloody carcass" of hurt for all to see? Why do I feel that everyone must know the hurt, the humiliation, the outright WRONG that some have done to me? What is it within me as a woman that needs to be heard so loudly for me to FEEL that true healing can come? Am I such a selfish person that I can only think that in order for my "worth" to be proved everyone must KNOW the truth...the whole UGLY truth?
So, I was told about a book called "Captivating" that was written by the wife of the man who wrote the book "Wild at Heart" her name is Stasi Eldredge and her husband helped write this book also. This book has been very helpful to me but last night....there's always a "lightbulb" moment isn't there? This chapter is dealing with healing the wound. My lightbulb moment occured when I read the words "OUr journey toward healing begins when we repent of those ways, lay them down, let them go. They've been a royal disaster anyway, As Frederick Buechner says, To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do-to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst-is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed. (The Sacred Journey)"
The point being to ask God to those parts of our soul that hold so much hurt, that are so very far back and out of reach that we don't ever want to talk about it but we must...we must let our Savior in to our broken heart because He and He alone must heal us.
People always say that they don't need to learn to deal with the things of this life that have happened to them...but they do. Sooner or later it will come back to you and you must deal with it by ALLOWING our Savior to the dark places of our heart where we have been hurt, forgotten, abused, mistreated, abandoned, lied to, betrayed.
May I not be DEFINED by my past but transformed by my Savior who does not look at me as a "wounded soldier" but as a woman that has been brought through the fires of trials and still runs to the only one that can ever heal her...my Savior!
May His name be praised!