About Me

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Saint Joseph, MO, United States
I'm a stay at home Mom of two children and I have the unique privilege of being able to homeschool both of them. I am a stepmother to two older daughters one who is going to college. I enjoy shopping, baking, cooking, cleaning, organizing, running, clowning, making soap, playing piano and lately painting with ASCP paint! I am learning to enjoy the little things in life and make the most of it...clinging to my Savior through the tears that life brings and enjoying his GRACE He gives us every day! Thanks for stopping by!

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Letting Go!

Like many of you I have rituals that I go through throughout the day. I might even be so bold to call it a "schedule". I will tell you that without this nothing would get done around here and things would fall apart rapidly.

When I go to bed each night as I lay down to be able to get my mind to rest I start praying. I pray for our family's safety and that of our neighborhood....because I'm a weirdo and worry constantly. I pray for the safety and care of our children etc etc. and then for my friends or family and last but not least my short comings and pray for forgiveness and strength to convict BEFORE the act and not AFTER!

I'm still reading Captivating and am enjoying it very much. It's not a long read but there is much to digest. The other night I was reading this and am still chewing on it a bit: "Our hearts are enlarged by Jesus. And by that, we mean that we must be willing to be honest with him and with ourselves about the true nature of our souls-our sorrows, our desires, our dreams, our fears, our deepest and scariest hopes. To invite Jesus to come and walk with us there, to remove from our hearts the things that are getting in the way of our loving. We do not always get what we want, but that doesn't mean that we no longer want. It means we stay awake to the unmet longing and ache. Wait there. Invite Jesus to come, there. And he will come. Not always to satisfy us by giving us what we want. But to come himself; to meet us with his very Person and to satisfy us with himself." Wow! after I read that and really let myself "chew" on it I was blown away.

I very much want to adopt another child....I feel the call all around me....I feel the little boy slipping from my grasp and I can do nothing to grab him. At first I was resentful at my husband. I was upset that he didn't feel the call and that because of him I couldn't do what I felt God was calling me to do. So, instead of being angry with him I prayed and I'm still praying and I have absolutely no idea how or what is going to happen but I will tell you this.....its o.k. I know that whatever God chooses for our family its o.k. Sometimes what we think as best is not what is best. It may be that God wants us to be a helper to another family in need by having their children over a lot...I can see this happening.....It may mean that He has completely different ideas of what "adopting" may be. The point is....that's where I have found contentment.....letting it go....knowing that God has a perfect plan for me and my family. That He loves me and understands that longing and will use that longing for His benefit.

Some of you also know that I'm dealing with a serious "thorn in the flesh" right now. Doesn't matter what its all about....just know that its BIG and its constant! I have prayed bitterly...I have wept....I have become angry and sulky....why do I do that? I'm not sure why I'm so ridiculous at times....so far....the thorn remains...but I continue to pray for the strength to deal with it and to have the heart that Jesus commands that I have.....but I don't want to....I don't care.....I want to sit and cry and "waller" in self-pity...but He presses me on. He pushes me forward....and I'm reluctant but I know I will feel better if I give in....if I let my stubborn spirit go! This lesson seems to never be learned by me the first time. I have to do it over and over and over again!

Why do I worry so much about what other think of me? Why do I let words hurt me so much. Does my opinion of myself rest on the shoulders of others? If someone asks me why I'm wearing my hat...why do I let it bother me all day long? When people make rude comments about whatever.....why do I think about it constantly? While we are on the subject why does every one that I seem to meet think its important to correct me? I don't walk around correcting others but people have to point out to me if I spelled something wrong, or didn't pronounce something or if my hair needs to be colored again or why in the world I would pay to have my groceries delivered? Why is that and why do I care so much about pleasing so many people....its ridiculous! I can't ever begin to please all of these people.....why do I try? The only one that matters is my Savior and I am "enough" to Him. I am not perfect....but I am "enough".

Please pray for me and I for you!

May His name be praised!

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