The book Captivating is somewhat taking over my nightly rituals. As a homeschool Mom and as a wife of a storeowner it is my job to take care of paying the bills and paying our employees. I also pay our home bills and NOW I have had to take over paying the bills of my husband's mother....since she is failing in her memory and the gas and electric company have shown up on her doorstep to turn off services. In telling you all this my main point is to let you know that at night when I should be sleeping and our house is quiet...I'm able to think, breathe....spend my time with my Savior and my chat a little on my blog and NOT have someone asking me something!
The chapter I dealt with tonight is Arousing Adam....."It is not good for man to be alone. (Gen. 2:18) "Eve was literally fashioned from the rib taken out of Adam's side. There is an incompleteness that haunts us, makes us yearn for one another..........And yet. NO man can tell you who you are as a woman. No man is the verdict on your soul. One woman said to us, "I still feel useless. I am not a woman. I do not have a man. I have failed to captivate someone." The ache is real. But the verdict is false. Only God can tell you who you are. Only God can speak the answer you need to hear.....Our core validation, our primary validation has to come from God. And until it does, until we look to him for the healing of our souls, our relationships are really hurt by this looking-to-each-other for something only God can give." As I read these words I looked back at the last ten years of my life......may I be so bold as I write these words to ask that those of you reading it hear my true voice....it is not to point fingers....it is to share hurt and the lessons learned....and I know that I'm not alone in the hurt....and I hope that those of you reading this will not make the same mistakes that I did but will rise up above it.....and be healed.
My first husband was an amazing man...he was talented, adorable, handsome, funny, and the most gifted man I had ever met.....but he made mistakes.....and I had to pay the price....and I have many times over...but that's not where the story ends. If you have ever had a husband leave you....then you understand.....if you haven't may I say its like the very essence of who I was was destroyed. I woke up one day with a happy marriage...my husband studying for the ministry......and the next day looking at the ashes of my marriage, scratching my head and wondering what myself and my nine month old son were going to do. Wondering what people would say? How could I fix this? Trying to make a plan....and not succeeding. Had I not done everything I should have done??? If you think it can't happen that fast......you are wrong....it can....and it did. My marriage was never to be restored and after two years of being separated Ron was taken from this earth and I was left to deal with the pieces and pick up the shreds of my life and try to figure out why. Guess what? There is no why....there just isn't and trying to figure it out will make you crazy.
After all that I re-married to a man that I dearly love but the scars run deep....the self-doubt, the self-loathing.....the self-destruction......they are still my battlefield....they come at times I don't expect them....they come in waves. Sometimes they come from my husband when he doesn't compliment the way that I homeschool my kids....sometimes they come in waves from well-meaning friends about my ministry.....they come from strangers who ask why my kids are so far apart. They come from my upbringing where I wonder if my past will finally "do me in" That I haven't done enough "good" yet to overcome the "bad".
My soul the very essence of me.....what does it long for? I think it longs to be liked by others, I know it wants to love others and to love my Savior....but do I withold my love from an Almighty God because I'm keeping my heart close...not putting it out there to be loved because....it might get shattered again? But...the Almighty....who could love me more than Him why would I do that? Why do I DO that? I find that what I do to my Savior I do to others and I'm trying so hard to continue to let it go....because if I can't I will not be able to enjoy this life the way it was meant to be enjoyed. I will not be able to have the right kind of relationship with my husband, my children, my friends, my family.....if I don't let it go...let my heart go...let it free....
I worry about the young girls of today...how they think they need that love of their lives to "matter". How they think that the hole they feel can only be filled with a young man. I'm not trying to be hard on them I was the same way but wonder...always wonder if my heart would have longed to be filled by the Savior would I have walked the road I walked? The questions is useless, the thought even more ridiculous because I'm a realist and there is no way to change what is....but still if I'm hones I do wonder if the pain could have been spared....but if it could have been....would I have wanted it to be? Isn't it in the fire that you learn the most...become the most beautiful....learn the most valuable lessons....are changed forever? Without the fire my heart would still be unchanged...and even though it is beat up and a bit ugly.....I can see the hurts of others I never would have taken a second glance at before.
My heart was broken...I had given my heart to a man I adored, I loved, I couldn't imagine life without...he rejected me, he told me I was useless and a mistake.....If those words have never been told to you then you cannot understand what that does to you....you cannot even begin to imagine the self-destruction that that starts.....but I also heard "It's not true....you are lovely, you are not a mistake....I created you...and you are LOVELY!"
I still hear those negative words in my ears...sometimes I hear them screaming....but God sent me a husband who tries very hard to push away those thoughts and to say that I'm lovely...but sometimes I run around with my hands over my ears and refuse to listen...thinking that its not true and I don't want to hear that I'm enough...that I'm lovely...that I'm NOT useless.
So, when the "attacks" begin and I hear the whispers again....I will pray for my Savior to drown out the sound and remember that I'm ENOUGH!