About two weeks ago my son asked if he could wear a watch that I gave him when his father died. I got them out about two years ago and they have sat on the "special" shelf. It is a difficult situation because I don't want him to think he can't ask or talk about his biological father but at the same time I don't want him to be sad....however, it can't be stopped....he's going to always wonder. So, my husband took the watch to the shop and my stepdaughter got it running again and also got it to fit around his teeny wrist. He has worn it non stop. If it makes him happy I say...let it be and for now....he needs to wear it.
In my book one thousand gifts I've been reading about letting it ALL go. Realizing that saying that and doing that are two different things. I've been chewing on this all week. If I'm truly trusting in my Heavenly Father and believe that He truly loves me and everything that He does is in His perfect will and the absolute BEST for me then I can rest in that PEACE and JOY that I have by knowing that all is well. However, that's a really hard thing to do. To know that if my children, or my husband were taken away again that that would be "well" with me...that I would accept it...that I would take it as the BEST...because God always wants the BEST for me as I do my children. In my book she said "The quiet song of gratitude, eucharisteo, lures humility out of the shadows because to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to accept whatever the Giver chooses to give." To me that is so terrifying but after really looking at it I feel so inferior for ever doubting Him. Yes, I suffered a huge loss and to me I look around and can get so mad that that happened...but He meant it for good...it was in His plan...it was meant to "grow" me not to hurt me. The peace that comes from that...the joy that seeps back into my weary soul. The joy that comes from peace and a grateful heart. Do you remember when you were little and you could sleep in the car on trips knowing that all was well. Your parents would get you to your destination without any trouble. Sleeping through the night never worrying about bills, packing for vacation....just wondering the things that little ones wonder? Writing in my diary that the highlight of the day was Pizza Hut and an ice cream cone. Only focusing on the things that we as children focus on. Peace and joy because I knew that all was well that my parents would take care of me no matter what. That peace, that calm is what God wants for us. He is in charge...He is never surprised at what happens in life.
It is so very easy for me to point to the bad, the negative, to hold onto the fear, the abnormal expectations of perfection that I "feel" I must live up to to be able to "earn" His "goodness" of protection for myself and all that I love. I'm not saying that I shouldn't bear the fruit of a christian, that I should treat people poorly but I must change the way I view God. He is the Alpha, the Omega, the Beginning and the End....but He longs for a RELATIONSHIP with us....not to just be worshiped...but to trust, to converse, to REST in.
The older I get the more time seems to speed up, the more things become clearer but I become frustrated with not being able to grasp fast enough. I seem to get the lesson after the "test" is over. So, I continue my list of simple things that i never would have written before that are clearer to me each day how much He truly loves me. Others may hate me (a few do) others may say bad things about me, others may dislike me just because they "think" I'm something I'm not....I can't change that....I can only continue to rest and trust in my Savior, to cling to Him, to be thankful for the "gifts" that He has given me.
May His name be praised!