Many of you who are close to me know that this week has been brutal and there are so many family events this weekend that my head just HURTS trying to make sure that the six people that live here are going in the right place and no one gets left behind. Throw in there responsibilities that I have made and things I've made commitments to add in a dash of cleaning, a sprinkle of laundry and a pinch of cooking and we have the "meltdown" phase that seems to consume me and I'm trying so hard to keep it at bay!
Last night after my five hour meeting with our consultant in which he informed me of some severe changes that affect me very soon my mind was trying very hard to absorb all that he had told us. I was happy to listen and was actually relieved....he didn't give me bad news but I was trying to absorb....went to bed at midnight....what is up with the wind last night? My house has stood for over a 100 yrs and last night I was sure that it was done for! I couldn't sleep found my way downstairs to sleep on the couch and them my beloved bassett decided that she missed me and wanted to be closed so she had to lay beside me and then decided that she needed outside at 2am and then of course was terrified by the wind as well....did I mention that my hubby came down at 3:30am to take our consultant BACK to the airport. At 4am I found sleep, glorious sleep....only to be awakened by 7:30ish to begin a new day.
Today found me dragging and trying to do all that needed to be done but I failed...I yelled, I was cranky...I was annoyed. With all the busyness of life I just want to stop it all and sit and be still....but life doesn't always give me that opportunity.
I constantly hold myself to this level of high expectations of unattainable goals that I can never reach but try so hard to do so. I come across as strong, self secure and able to be self-sufficient...where if I must be honest...I crave praise...I crave pats on the back, not making people upset, I hate for people to be upset with me but then...I get angry that people do. I have cried myself to sleep, I have completely found myself wanting to withdraw from all and just stay in my house nursing my hurts refusing to continue, wanting to quit, knowing that Satan had me where he wanted me...but I didn't care...I didn't want to move...I didn't want to give in.
What makes me a christian quit trying, why would I do that as a person who has the strength of our Savior behind me...why would I need more than that? I am not God, I do not have super-human strength but I do so very much want to only care about what my Savior thinks of me...why do I bother worrying and caring and fretting over what others think of me. This season of winter has been hard...I have found myself wanting to quit...not wanting to go on. To make drastic changes in my church attendance...all because of how I "feel"? I have found the whispers of Satan to strong to ignore. I believe that we as women have no idea what our words can say to the other...I believe that's where Satan works his hardest. I had a dear lady come up to me and apologize for something she said to me three weeks ago. Her heart was sincere and she was sorry....just so you know it was nothing horrific it was just a little..."ding" shall we say. She hugged me and told me that she was sorry and I don't know what she said...I truly don't remember but I will tell you that her words started a chain reaction...I don't say this to tell you this woman is horrible and I blame her for my sin...because my attitude was sin. I tell you this to say...my words better be "thought out" before I say them because Satan is ready and willing to use them...and I KNOW he has used them again and again.
No matter how many verses my big mouth has had to memorize in college, highschool, you name it sister...I STILL speak without thinking....whatever is in the ol brain is officially on the TONGUE and its moving! WHEN WILL I CHANGE?
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
That is who I want to be...wise...not always speaking my mind...which isn't always worth hearing. I have quick wit..comes from being brought up in a loud family where you learn to swim quick by being louder and being quicker with your tongue (anyone reading this from my family will NOT disagree) I am a strong woman...I won't deny it I've learned to survive by gritting my teeth and pushing forward...but life doesn't always require that "take charge GRRR attitude" It sometimes requires a soft answer, a gentle spirit, an encouraging word.
May His name be praised!