About Me

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Saint Joseph, MO, United States
I'm a stay at home Mom of two children and I have the unique privilege of being able to homeschool both of them. I am a stepmother to two older daughters one who is going to college. I enjoy shopping, baking, cooking, cleaning, organizing, running, clowning, making soap, playing piano and lately painting with ASCP paint! I am learning to enjoy the little things in life and make the most of it...clinging to my Savior through the tears that life brings and enjoying his GRACE He gives us every day! Thanks for stopping by!

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

In the Blackest He is Closest.

Last night I had a lot to do for our business and this week is also going to be insane. I think by the time April gets here life will be a bit more less hectic...maybe. After I was done working I decided to calm my mind with my new favorite book...one thousand gifts.

I have to tell you that last night I had several "Ah-Hah" moments. Let's be honest shall we, life is very hard. I have this fear...and have for so long...that God is waiting...just waiting to strike again. I fear that if I do wrong that He will strike me down and take those that I love away from me...again. I confess in my deepest fears there is the fear of losing my children...of feeling the anguish of that loss and how...how would I go on and almost becoming melancholy with the thoughts that it could happen. I find myself in tears at times living out a dread and a fear of something that hasn't even happened. I grow tired and angry of answering questions and seeing my boy cry as he gets older trying to figure out who he is, not understanding why God took his Daddy and not knowing what he's supposed to be like. I don't know how to tell him how his hands felt how big and strong they were. I don't know how to tell him how he walked and talked and ate...his expressions...his laugh...but I do smile and sometimes shed a tear when I see Trey do those very things when I know that Ron isn't here to have shown them to him.

After reading last night I have some clearer answers...I guess I always knew them but never really said it out loud. Trust is my issue...I admit it. How can I trust that everything will be alright when I've lived the nightmare that so many pray to never go through. Do you know what its like to be the woman in the room that no body wants to trade places with? I know some of you do...but most of you don't. Here is the thing that keeps me going....the reason why I write the "gifts" that He has given to me. Trust comes when I count the gifts. "Without trust in the good news of Jesus, without trust in the good news of God's saving work even in this moment without an active, moment by moment trust in the good news of an all-sovereign, all -good God, how can we claim to fully believe? This is the trust I lack:to know that if disaster strikes, He carries me even there." I know what she speaks is true I have lived it. He took my life partner and I have never felt Him closer...doesn't mean it didn't hurt...its hurts even still....but I KNEW it would be alright...I knew it would be...but yet I still hold on and worry and think the worst! So when she went on to say " Perhaps the opposite of faith is fear. To lack faith perhaps isn't as much an intellectual disbelief in the existence of God as fear and distrust that there is a good God." Is this you? This can be me quite a bit of the time....that fear of "have I been good enough to deserve the good."

Give thanks to the Lord of lords
His faithful love endures forever.
Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles.
His faithful love endures forever.
Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully
His faithful love endures forever.
Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters.
His faithful love endures forever.
Give thanks to him who made the heavenly lights-
His faithful love endures forever.
Psalm 136:3-7

I shall never forget my darkest night and those that have walked that path know the same but I shall never forget the words I read last night "It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite; God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will." I remember vividly crying out to Him to help me, to help me get out of bed, to put one foot in front of the other. He carried me, He sent others to help me. He NEVER left me...He was my rock and in Him I found strength to live, to breathe, to laugh, to eat, to enjoy life again....to NOT live in fear.

We do serve a good God...the "whys" I've learned to let go...I've learned to let go.

May His name be praised!

I love this pic. It says several things to me. It's on my list of gifts.

1 comment:

  1. Jamie, I can so relate. Been there, prayed for you in your dark moments. Wish I could have been there to help you but I think I was still drowning in my own grief. Love reading your posts :)