I'm a Mid-west kind of girl. When I was younger I dreamed about the south...that's where I wanted to be...but that's not where life took me.
I live in a small town and have for about eight years...when I first moved here I cried...I cried a lot. All there was to shop at was a Wal-Mart and those of you who know me know...I dislike....Wal-Mart. So, I would go to the park and...cry. Since that time my dear town has an Old Navy, my beloved Target, and now a Children's Place and just about every restaurant that everyone else has and a newer movie theatre that doesn't make me feel like I need to take a bath in Purell after leaving:) The older I get and the more I go away...the more I long for my dear old town. I'm also close to my newest addiction...Nell Hill...if you don't know it...I'm sorry its truly a girl like me dream come true store!
As much as I love my little town, I sometimes don't fit in here either...I don't wear camoflauge (can't even spell it apparently) and I own nothing that says John Deere. I have no desire to go camping or hunting or fishing and when you say the "great outdoors?" I imagine beaches with furniture and people to bring me little drinks with umbrellas in them. I have never shot anything with four legs (or anything with two legs matter of fact) but I do enjoy meat. The only gun I have shot is a pellet rifle or an air gun? It's the one you pump up what in the world is that called? Shooting a gun of any kind was pretty scary...but I was a counselor at a camp and had to at least "look" like I was enjoying myself even though I was HORRIBLE at it! Still, even so...I miss my dear old town when I'm away.
This next week my husband and I have to go out of town on business and we have to fly...this makes me crazy because one of my biggest fears is...you guessed it...flying. I'm terrified of heights, hate that my Purell bottle has to be so small, freak out at how many greasy heads have put their heads where I'm now laying mine...seriously can't it be like the doctor's office where we have little papers to go over the head rests... I paid enough for this ticket can't they sanitize??? Yes, I know...and don't get me started on breathing in the same air as everyone else! YUCK! THEN when we get to this place that I have NEVER been to then we have to take PUBLIC transportation...which I'm NOT sorry to say I've NEVER been in a taxi...I'm ridiculous I know but what if we get a crazy driver who wants to kill us? AS you can see...I was getting to be RIDICULOUS!!!!
My biggest challenge to overcome in life is worry and fear...it plagues me. YOu can give me all the statistics and I know you are right...you can tell me that when it is my time it is my time...and again, you are right....so what makes me cling to this despair and worry so much so that it eats at my stomach days before we travel and leads me into fear and impending DOOM???
Well, all I can tell you is that's why I started reading "one thousand gifts". It is a daily reminder of how He has provided for me in all the little ways and BIG ways that He has. Already just this week I have become thankful for BIG and little things. I've seen pictures of a house that is no more that no one should have been able to walk out of and walked without a scratch....but I've also been there....I've been to the darker side of life...I've held the hand of my dying husband who I'm not able to speak to because he is unconscious...I couldn't hear him say goodbye. I couldn't quit crying, I wanted to scream him awake but no sound would come...just the gut wrenching tears that poured. I've been in the waiting room filled with our church family to support our dear sisters in Christ who have just been given the news that their son is now in the arms of Jesus. I've been to the funeral of my sweet great baby niece who I held in my arms a few weeks previous, cousins killed in car accident....I've seen the grief...the dark...and wonder...where is God in all of that? In all of that He holds us fast and strong...in all of that He gives us supernatural strength that we never knew we had...in all of that...He guides me on...but here I am AGAIN....fear and worry, worry and fear...
Why do I constantly have this inner battle? Why can't I let go and let the Almighty have the control? Why? Why am in in constant fear of the bad that can happen in life?
This time I'm going to let go...I'm going to enjoy the fact that my husband and I have a few days together alone....I'm going to rest in the knowledge that my Heavenly Father knows the best for me...and I'm going to "enjoy" that freedom.
II Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of self discipline.
He is still on the throne no matter what goes on in this world...He is in charge...not me...all I have to do is RELAX...hold on and TRUST!
I'm so thankful for the God I serve and all that He has done for me!