He looks at me with determination...and yet a bit of rebellion....wanting to let his anger go...but afraid to hurt my feelings....I think?
There is a long line on the way to being all "grown up" and we think we want to be there RIGHT NOW. Then, once you get there...you long for when you could just "stand in line" have the biggest worry be...homework, or a test....but here he is standing in line...impatient to grow up...and how he wrestles with that in his soul. He goes between anger and happiness almost at a constant pace....he is never content to just BE...he blames others for his faults...not accepting responsibility.
I find myself nowadays being the one....for this dear boy once held his Mommy's cheeks in his chubby hands...as I grieved his father...who left us for heaven...and said to me...."Mommy it will be alright, please don't cry!" So many times I wish I could go back and continue on with that little boy...where did he lose his fight? Where did I let him think that things could have been better...."if only?"
I look at families with their three to four children...evenly spaced...nice cars and houses, looking like the amazing perfect family...and I say...."Why?" Why do we know such grief, such sadness, such heartbreak...and then....I hear it every time "Why not you?"
Part of my spirit wants to whine....and say "it's not fair" but why do people that don't know how to take care of their children get pregnant time and time again...while people like me...pray for years and get a baby...while others pray for years...and...don't. Why do some Daddy's go and fight for our country and never come home...while others hit their children and yell...and never seem to go away? Why? Why?
I will never be answer those questions this side of heaven...but I do know that we are better because of our hardships....not that it makes us like them anymore...but I am who I am...because of the scars that I wear.
I love to laugh...and make others laugh....I forget that sometimes...caught up in the pain of life...caught up in the business.
Today, I had a boy who had some hurts....who needed to learn to preservere, that life isn't fair, that just because you don't like school doesn't mean you can't go...that you can't blame others for your bad attitude, that you can't talk to your Mother like that even though you are starting to tower over her...BECAUSE I am STILL in charge! Today was a day that I realized I'm not going to be liked and that my child behind that door is even saying he hates me....and that hurt...but it had to be so....so I prayed...and asked for strength because I was running out...and I knew that I wasn't going to make it.
Thankfully, tonight was my son T's Gold Banquet...in which he was very happy because he got to move up one more rank....he is now a tenderfoot....his attitude changed, his sweet spirit returned....AND he even sat by me....which was QUITE huge.
So, today....not a day I want to repeat......EVER....but a day that I realized I was digging in the trenches...and I just can't give up...even....when.....he....doesn't....even.....LIKE.....me!
Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.
I have to keep going....keep fighting....keep working!
Tomorrow I am running with my group for our training for our 5K....even though my body PLEADS to stop...I try to keep going....the same seems to be said for my spiritual life as well...keep going...do NOT stop!
May His name be praised!