Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Grace For the Good Girl
For those of you familiar with GRACE and are able to embrace it....I applaud you....that's not all the girl that I am....I'm starting to learn though and with the help of this book....I just MIGHT figure it out.
As a child I was always a girl that very much wanted praise....I tried very hard to get it. I followed the rules and felt so guilty when I got caught for some small infraction. I remember when I was in jr high and got caught passing a note...the guilt of letting my parents down was almost more than I could bear. I was not allowed to go to movies and even though I was asked by several friends to go in high school....I knew the guilt would be more than the fun of going to the movies. I hated being involved in silly pranks because I knew that the guilt would be more than I could bear....still for whatever reason I was deemed the "bad" girl even though I was rarely in trouble. I didn't smile constantly and wasn't the smartest so I was automatically marked as "bad...not good enough, trouble." After you are told that enough times you believe it....eventually as an adult I learned that that is NOT how God saw me and that by GRACE He saved me and that I was WORTH it and I was ENOUGH.
Still, as an adult....I drive the speed limit....get annoyed at those who don't and never seem to get caught. I return things that the clerk didn't charge me for....and laugh at the look they always give me when I tell them I need to give them more money. When I find out people are saying bad things about me for no reason whatsoever....it eats me to the core...why don't people like me? When I see folks with blogs with thousands of followers....and my blog with...well...not even 100...I think why don't people like me? When I see people at church get awards when I have seen the way they treat others....this horrible person inside of me begs to stand up and question why.....I long to set things straight....I hate to see wrongs go unpunished....and I long for justice for those who have wronged others.
I'm not telling you this behavior is correct...I'm just being honest that that is how my heart behaves. I shudder with confusion how the finger is pointed to me....how the blame lands at my feet....even when I know that I'm not wrong....I try to be the best..be a good friend....be a good wife, mother...etc....but the finger always seems to be pointing to me....the good seems to be for someone else....past me...over my head....the other way....I run to try and hold it for a minute....but it escapes me constantly.
This book is showing me that the Grace of Jesus is all I need. When I mess up....He is there to forgive me...when I fail....He is there to help me up. There is no more begging, pleading, trying harder to please....beating myself up....He has forgiven me...He has given me life everlasting and even when I mess up big....His love is NOT conditional. I think that is the hardest lesson for me to learn right now.....for so long I have felt that love from others comes with my "performance." If I do a "good job" then I "earn" their love....when I fail.....the "love" goes away and I have to work harder to "earn" it again...which means....it gets harder to get back up again....it gets easier to just quit talking, quit interacting....because then the "love" can't be taken back...and I can hide behind my mask of perfection...where no one else can "see" me....where no one else can "know" the real me....I know I'm not alone here in this fight....I know that there are many that feel this same way....
Grace for the Good girl...truly a book that hits me where it hurts....but gives me some hope....to stand up again.