It seems like it was only yesterday that I was giving birth to my son T...today he turns 12! How is that possible? Most mothers on their child's birthday look at how quickly they've grown, how much their child has learned. I look at this day as how far we have come.
I think looking back at his childhood I feel a lot of...gulp....GUILT! I used to just "waller" in the guilt....trying to change the path that we found ourselves in....and today I say...."we are better for it!"
No one sets out in life and decides to marry someone and they turn out to be someone different than you thought them to be...no one plans on death....no one says when their little "I want to grow up and get my heart broken and be a grieving widow at the age of 28." However, God never promised our lives to be "easy" he only promises to go with us, to help us, to give us strength when we think we can go one bit further.
My son T came into this world on a rainy Tuesday evening....I had just about completely given up that he was ever coming...he was huge for my five foot 2 in frame and the doctors thought he would be 7 lbs....he was 9 lbs and 2 1/2 ounces. I remember doctors and nurses coming to see him and looking at me and saying "HOW did you do that?" Since it was my first baby I just thought...."well....I wasn't aware there was another way?" I would get angry when he was three days old and we took him to the pediatrician and people would say "Is he three months old?" My husband and I were offended...and would say in not so nice a voice "NO, he is three DAYS old!" My T talked early...and hasn't stopped since, he spoke clearly and was always highly intelligent. I see him being a leader someday....but hoping that he can learn to "listen" to others so that he will be a good leader, an effective leader, one that gains respect. I pray that he will learn to listen to the Holy Spirit...that he will learn that it is better to allow others to look good instead of putting others down in order to look good. I pray that he will learn to say that he is wrong and let his sensitive heart that I know and see to come out and let others see.
He is a wonderful son, a great big brother and one that I am so thankful for. However, there are days that the guilt of his life overwhelms me...but that is only Satan digging into me....I hold onto the Savior....and pray for the lessons of hardship to be used for his good for my T to see them as "learning lessons."
May His name be praised!