I am still reading Grace for the Good Girl
I just have to share this one entire passage that I read tonight....and was wondering if anyone would be brave enough to admit along with me.....that this struck a nerve with me that I don't really enjoy saying was WAY too true of myself....so very true that it was scary.
"My fear of, regret over, and inability to handle failure has kept me in hiding. But it isn't only my failure that keeps me from living free. I hold myself to an impossible standard, but I hold you to it too. And I hold him to it and her to it and them to it. No one is exempt. Sometimes it seems justified, this unwillingness to let go of other's failures. His failure affects me, hurts me, and cuts me deep. Her failure offends me, insults me, and disregards me. The failures of our parents, spouses, friends and co-workers are especially offensive to good girls. It's why the prodigal son story is so difficult for us. Because not only have I been wronged when you fail, but the expectations that I have to forgive you flies in the face of everything I have worked for. I cannot set you free, because that is too easy for you. If you receive my forgiveness, then you no longer owe me anything. I like to be owed. Your owing me creates a false security for me, one I'm not willing to let go of. So I hold on to my right to be right, to be mad, and to be good.
And in so doing, I live what I actually believe, you should pay for your own sit at your expense and to my benefit, and I get to say when you've paid a high enough price. And oh, by the way, my forgiveness is really expensive. It mist cost you everything. And if you aren't willing to give up everything for me, than maybe you don't really love me."
Never in my life have I heard anyone put it so clearly, so blantantly, so brave to say it.....I confess....in all its ugliness that is sometimes me....and why GRACE for me is sometimes so HARD to understand.
When I begin to understand the love that He has for me no matter how ugly I feel with the wrongs that I have done....I can look at my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ....my family....my friends.....and realize that if God in His perfection can love and forgive me....then why can't I extend that to others...even if they....never....ask?