How do you react with change? I like a routine...I like things the way they have been and want them to always be that way...but with change...good things come to...like new babies and new marriages, like new recipes and new friends...but...then there are the sad things of change.
I remember when I was little...my sister and I driving from our christian school all the way home to our house out in the country (it was a 45 min drive) I remember talking to my Dad and my sister about his day. I remember him telling me to look in his lunchbox and I would open it and there would be balloon apple or a candy bar...I remember the smell of his lunchbox, the grey banged up box that he took every day for longer than I have walked on this earth. I remember his big hands...how small my hands looked next to his big hands...how small they still look. As the youngest of my five sisters...I don't remember my Father being "young and spry" but I do remember his hands...and always will. I remember how they could open jars that try as I might I couldn't open, nor could my Mom or my sister...but with barely trying he could. I remember how he could build anything with those hands. I remember how he knew just what to do for any project, for any house repair...and to this day...I usually pick up the phone first to call Dad to ask him what I should do. Lately though....I see him not as strong as he once was....I see his health failing...I see him trying to sell his big house, with his huge lot...he sees it coming...life....not that his life is over...just changing....scaling back...taking it easy...how hard would that be to do?
I see change coming with my husband's Mom...her health is failing...she says funny things that my children look at me and question...she tells me about the flowers her husband sent (he's been gone for 9 years...and I know we sent them for Christmas). Then she will look at me and ask when Trey got glasses (they are fairly new he got them late summer). Then she will ask me the same question every five minutes...while I smile...look at her...and repeat myself again. Why does time have to be so cruel? Why do things and people and life have to change?
I see the girl who was nine when I first married her father...now 17...now trying to decide what college she should go to. I see her sister just 7 when I married her father...and she might be old enough to drive soon if we let her. My son...now towers over me...says he can't get over how much taller he is than me...and my baby girl....almost five...knows all her letters now trying to learn all the sounds so that she can read...and I want to just freeze time...and I can't....I can't stop the passage of time. Like a cold wind blowing on a grey afternoon Missouri day. I would walk out in the snow and watch our horses run..trying to rid myself of the sadness that filled my young soul...oh how the cold of winter bore through to my soul...I could feel the ache even then...could feel the chill even then as a small child.
I feel change coming...and I don't like it..perhaps its because its uncertain...feels scary...unorganized...feels like I'm not in control....
I'm trying to hold onto the faith that God is in control of all that is going on in my life and those around me....all of those who have said good bye to their family members just this week. A mother who loses her unborn child, a daughter her buries her mother, a brother that buries his sister, a wife who buries her husband....and those of us who are left behind...to deal with the change. Change requires faith...it requires taking it and receiving it and saying it is good...it is well....even though I don't understand it God, don't like it God...I accept the path...the new path you have for me....and it is well.
Today, I found this picture of my E...and I cannot get over how quickly time has passed...
"For I know the plans I have for you, "declars the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
For It is Well...and my favorite part of that song...that I pay on my piano quite frequently...trying to get the nerve to play it again for my church..."the clouds be rolled back as a scroll, the trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend...even so, it is well with my soul." NO matter what change may come...It is Well Lord...It is Well.