For those of you that have lost someone in life through tragedy you and only you will probably be able to understand the depths of what I am talking about....I have always envied those that were able to say long goodbyes...after my husband Ron died I often begged and cried to God at why He didn't see fit to give me at least a few words of a conversation that I have longed to have that I will have to wait until glory to have...but then...probably won't care to even pursue it.
I am amazed at how quickly it happens....I can be going along minding my own business and then...there it is...a song, a smell, a car....today...I was walking outside on the trail with my husband Mark (can you believe that we can take walks outside in January with no coats????) and it passed by...the same color and same make SUV that my Ron drove....I stared at it...was transported back almost ten years...but shook my head and tried to shake the thoughts from my head.....on my way home tonight....with a minivan full of groceries and no children to distract me....same thing again....it happens sometimes....there is usually the song "I can Only Imagine" he sang it the night before he died....before the song was popular...before we even knew the song...and now almost ten years later...they are STILL singing the song.
There are times that I have to pinch myself...I have to wonder...was it a dream? Did this happen? Time after time...I tell myself I'm past it...I'm ok...then I hear Trey's voice changing...a stance...he's growing so tall...the way he cocks his head...I blink back the tears...confused by the pain...why won't it go away? I am strong...I like to think so anyway...I want to just force myself ahead...but every time I hear the question "Why are your kids far apart? Why don't you have more kids?" It all comes back...I want to scream at them and tell them the story...but I stuff it...I stuff it...and then on days like today...bright and sunny....I see the SUV...I hear the song...I feel the pain.
So, I keep myself busy...I keep writing the gifts that God has given me each day...I keep on pushing...I keep on believing that God has a plan for everything...even though there are days that I'm totally confused in what He's doing...and I press on....I press on. God didn't promise me an easy life...but He did promise to go with me and that He would never leave me...and He never has.
May His name be praised!